One constant thing in my life has been my struggle with my weight, and food. Even at my smallest size, I have struggled with accepting my body and my feelings of inadequacy because of my weight. Over the years, I've lost and gained, and worked on accepting myself for where I am in the present moment, with varying success. In 2010, I lost 50 pounds - I felt so great! Thanks to the Primal lifestyle, the weight fell off pretty easily and quickly. I loved being able to fit into smaller sizes, and my confidence soared. I felt in control and that I had the tools to get me where I wanted, size- and weight-wise. I knew what to do, and I had the motivation of success, but I didn't stick to what worked before. I went back to my old ways of cheat days and stress eating. I have intermittently gone back to Primal eating, but I have not sustained it.
And that's how I find myself back at the same point I was in 2010, at my highest weight.
I'm pissed. 100% pissed at myself, because I allowed this to happen. And I really wish that I hadn't.
5 years ago, I gathered up all my fat clothes, with the exception of 1 pair of jeans, and I gave them all away. Sadly, that pair of jeans fits now. And I'm wishing that I had some of those fat clothes. *sigh*
In a few day, I have an event to attend. I wanted a new dress for said event, so I've been looking for new dress for said event. Over the past week, I've visited a variety of stores, looking for a dress - from Macy's to Nordstrom Rack to Kohl's. I've been so frustrated with the lack of acceptable options, I wanted to break down and cry. This shouldn't be so hard! It's so discouraging to walk into a store like TJ Maxx and see two sad racks of plus size clothing, most of which is ugly. Even my best destinations like Macy's were devoid of acceptable options.I finally gave up my search and I've decided to wear something I already own.
Nothing makes you want to starve yourself into losing 50 pounds like a shopping trip as a plus size woman.
It shouldn't be so hard! Why is this so hard???
And really, why did I do this to myself??? *sigh* Starting over is always so hard and I worried I can't do this yet again. And that worry leads me to making myself feel better with ice cream. I know what I need to do, I know I CAN do it...it's just the following through part that is the hardest part.
But I have no choice. Because I'm tired of having the same experiences. I'm tired of being unhappy with what I see in the mirror. I want better, so I have no choice but to make it happen.