Trying To Find Balance Between My Head and My Heart

2006

Theme song: Andre 3000 - "Love Hater"

Love was not kind to me in 2006. I started the year with a new beau, and was so head-over-heels for him. Smart, funny, charming...we could talk for hours, he got my dry humor, we liked the same things. Things were great...until they weren't. What was cute & charming before was now annoying & difficult. What should have been easy became the hardest thing to do...so he quit. Just walked away, didn't look back, didn't even say good-bye. I looked around for him for a while, figured he was just clearing his head & needed some space. Until it was apparent that he had left & he was never coming back. Just when I was putting it behind me & moving on, he showed up - apologetic, contrite, remorseful. Take two seemed like a good idea, would give the soothing that my heart needed...but take two was doomed to fail before it even began. So in a new place, in a new phase of my life, I made a decision - no more feelings, no more getting serious, just keep it light & fun. Kick it, enjoy it, but don't let anybody get close enough to hurt me.

2007-2010

Theme song: Cameo - "Single Life"

The name of the game was "just have fun" and that's what I did. So many boys, not enough time...a good amount of dates, even longterm dating situations, but no one earned the "boyfriend" title. A few attempted to get close, but no one made it completely in. Seemed like just what I needed - to enjoy life. Sure I had that "OMG all my friends are getting married or in relationship & I'mma end up an old maid!" freakout, but hey, it happens. There were some great guys & some not-so-great guys, some tears and some smiles, amazing dates & dates that were horrible. Through it all I remained squarely on Team Have-A-Team. I always had a go-to guy for whatever I needed: a guy to take me out, a guy to cuddle with, a guy who stroked my ego, a guy for when I needed some "maintenance". Life was good, dating was good...but starting to get a little empty.

2010

Theme song: India Arie - "Ready For Love"

Big changes in my life...new job, new state, and now, new feelings. After being happily single for so long, now I wasn't so happy. What was I missing? I know, a relationship! Something serious. Someone to be there longer than 3 months, who could really see the real me & love me anyway, who I could share my life with. Seems simple enough right? Yeah, I got the rudest awakening ever. I ended the year with more hurt feelings, and maybe more alone than when I started. I went hardcore at two situations, and both ended up completely different than the way I planned or expected.

2011

Theme song: Teedra Moses - "No More Tears"

I look back at my love life, and I see myself as a pendulum, swinging between two drastic extremes. I got my heart broken years ago, and resolved to not let it happen again. I built a SuperMax prison around my heart, with little snipers on the roof & attack dogs & I outlawed any type of emotional connection. "Just have fun" was my personal mantra. And I did...until it wasn't fun anymore. I grew. I changed. And I realized that with all the fun, I missed the intimacy of having 1 person in your life for the longterm. I missed it. I wanted it. So I tried to make it work. I grasped at various straws, I threw a million darts at the wall hoping something would stick. I daydreamed & planned & fell hard...and then woke up & realized I was out on that island all by my damn self, only it wasn't an island, it was the Titanic & it was sinking fast. Like being slapped with an open palm, it stung. It hurt. And I really wondered, "is it me? am I doing something wrong? am I unworthy of something that seems to come so easily for so many others?"

After the extremes of the past few years, I want to get off the rollercoaster.

Why is settling somewhere in the middle so difficult for me?

I don't want to get up on love, emotions, intimacy like I did in the past. But I can't be the only one in it either, because that's how I get hurt. I don't know how to be detached enough so that I don't fall too hard too fast, while also being open to something serious developing at it's own pace. I don't want to give up, but caring (and caring too much for the wrong men) has led me down the wrong path. I want to be open to love & intimacy, but how do I remain detached enough so that if it doesn't work out, I'm not sobbing into my pillow at night?

Maybe I just let my heart win too much. Time for my head to get some wins.