co·nun·drum/kəˈnəndrəm/ Noun: A confusing and difficult problem or question; A question asked for amusement, typically one with a pun in its answer; a riddle.
I can divide my younger years into 2 clear groups - before & after the summer between 8th & 9th grade. For most people, this is just the transition to high school & those all-important teenage years. But for me, this was also when I was hit by the Puberty Fairy. I went to bed one night a girl & woke up the next day with the body of a grown ass woman. I was shocked - where did all this come from??? Before this, I was your typical nerdy Black girl. An ugly duckling, who was lucky to get a "hi" from a boy or to be partnered with one for a class project. I was not one of the girls that the boys fawned over, showering them with attention & compliments in that middle school way. Nope, I was non-existent except when it came time to needing answers for the homework. So you can imagine what happens to a girl when she goes from middle school to high school with a new body & zero experience with the opposite sex...whatever you're thinking, yep, it happened to me. That Ugly Duckling Syndrome is real y'all.
Since the day the Puberty Fairy blessed me, I've had a love-hate relationship with my body & my curves. I've gone from trying to hide them under baggy clothes to accentuating them with fitted clothes & bodycon-esque dresses. Some days I love my figure - how I naturally have a smaller waist & wider hips, how even at my smallest, I had a 13 inch difference between my waist measurement & my hips measurement, how absolutely fabulous my breasts are. Other days, I hate it - how I have a "booty gap" in my jeans, the stretch marks & cellulite on my thighs & hips, $$$ I have to spend on bigger bras.
But the biggest issue that I have with my body isn't really with my body at all...it's with the attention that my body gets from guys.
I get it, men are visual. Men like certain things - booty, breasts, hips, thighs, lips, all that. They see a woman who has the things they like, and usually their first thoughts are around the physical. Ok let's be honest, dudes see stuff they like & they think "I wonder if I can fuck her". At a minimum they may wonder what that mouf do, or if the booty is soft or something...something!
We all know that with a lot of men, the women that they approach on the physical is different than the women that they approach to date. That's cool...except because of my curves, I'm normally in the former group :-/ And I don't want to be. I'm more than the breasts, hips, ass & thighs. I have a brain! I'm a nice girl! But a lot of guys never find out, cause they approach on that "I'm trying to be physical" thing.
So where does the conundrum come in?
As a woman, I want to be seen as beautiful, attractive, sexy, all that & more. I was to be desired for my curves & my body. But I don't want that to be the sole attraction or source of desire. Get it? Knowing that a man thinks your hot is great...knowing that man just wants to fuck you is not.
Feeling that I'm just viewed as a sexual being actually gives me a great deal of angst. Its not a role or title that I relish. In fact, I wish I could do something about it. But alas, I'll always have these curves, and even a nun's habit wouldn't hide them. I still love compliments & the attention of a man...but I just wish that I was seen as...more. That the non-physical things that make me awesome were just as in demand. That I wasn't put in the "chicks I'd like to fuck" category by most of the guys I meet.
How to get out of that box...now THAT is my conundrum...