This is Day 1 in my 30 days of blogging challenge. I've started this post at least ten times. Why is this such a struggle today?
My single life...better than some, worse than others. Is it what I expected? Not at all. The younger me figured I'd be married by 25 with a few kids by 30. When I hit 25 with no prospects in sad unfortunate Orlando, I began my "I'm gonna be an old maid" schtick. Over the next five years I had relationships but here I am, at almost 31, single still.
But for the first time, I'm ok with it. Well, mostly ok.
My angst about being single has been caught up in the should - I should be married cause everyone else is getting married, cause my eggs are drying up as you read this, cause I'm a catch dammit! The fact that I wasn't meant there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough to be loved, to be with long-term. If only I wasn't a chemist, or so highly educated, or so fat...I'd be married.
Look at all that stress I put on myself.
Last year I thought I was going to get engaged and be married in 2013. The most difficult part for me was wondering if I'd missed my chance to be chose. I had a strong fear of being unmarried and forever alone & I struggled with moving on from that. I have not let that go completely, but I'm doing better than I was. It's not something that will disappear overnight.
Currently I have a few men that have expressed interests. I've gone on dates, some successful, some not. I also made a play for a guy who gave me the "I'm good but thanks for the offer" brush-off.
When I look at my love life, I see these issues:
- Generally, the guys that are really into me, I don't feel chemistry with. They are sweet, nice guys, but the connection just isn't there, it feels forced & like work. And then I feel like a jerk cause there's no good way to tell a guy he doesn't do it for you. I've found that they often take that to mean they are too nice and assume they have to become assholes to get women.
- There's been men that I do feel that chemistry and affection for, and generally it's not reciprocated. Or I want a relationship and they don't.
- I have a bad habit of being really into guys who don't live in my city. This is not a Minneapolis problem, I do more dating here than I did in Orlando. No matter where I have lived, I have met guys in other cities who I liked and would have dated if not for the distance.
But don't think that I'm unhappy about my love life - far from it. There are times when I wish I had a long-term special person in my life. On the cruise last night I saw all these couples having a romantic trip and I did wish I could do the same. I am a bit tired of doing the "getting to know you" game with a new guy. But at the same time, I love that I'm able to be selfish and just think about myself right now. I don't have to plan my schedule around someone else, or share the remote. I can flirt & hang out every night with my friends if I want.
My dating strategy now is to simply let things be what they are. I'm not consumed with wondering if a guy likes me, or fearing that I'm going to be an old maid. I go out when I want, and I accept that this is the current season of my life, but it won't be always. In the meantime, I work on getting better, and being ready.