How much of what you've done in your life was because YOU wanted to do it, and how much was because you THOUGHT you should do it because everyone else was doing it too? This question came to me suddenly one night.
I was deep in introspection mode, evaluating myself, my character, my life and the trajectory I wanted it to take. While not as lost as I was before, I was still feeling restless & not quite right. Something was missing, or incomplete, or maybe I just needed to take a moment and evaluate.
How much of my life have I lived for ME? Not for my parents, or my family, or my friends, or my race, or my gender, or my country, or anybody else - but for ME.
Not much. Definitely not as much as I want.
As I embrace my three new favorite phrases*, I'm realizing just how much of my life is dominated by a need to keep up with the rest of the pack. Somewhere along the journey of my life, I've picked up too many passengers, and now my car is so heavy it can barely move. I'm at the wheel, but I have too many backseat & side-seat drivers. Only problem is, I picked up all these hitchhikers on my own. I bought into it. And now I wanna kick them all out & leave them on the side of the highway, so I can continue my journey in peace.
But where am I going? Do I even know how to chart my course anymore?
I don't know.
All I can do is try. Though in the words of Yoda "Do or not do; there is no try".
So I will.
The life I see for myself is not the life I have now. I'm freed of the burden of the life of a cog in a corporate wheel. I'm free to make my schedule, and use my time how I wish. I can indulge my passions and am compensated well for it. I can tell my truth & know that my words are heard, appreciated & shared with others. And most important, I know that I'm making a positive impact on the world in some way - that at least one person is better because I was here & I did something.
Living for myself means giving up some of the things I thought I wanted, because everyone else had them. No need for that MBA - I only wanted it to keep up. Not obsessing about stats or getting shine or even readers for my blog - writing for myself was what got me started, and it's what keeps me going. No more "how to move up the corporate ladder" discussions for me - the life I want & am striving for doesn't include me working for anyone but myself.
Doing what I want & what makes me happy regardless to what the rest of the pack is doing.
*I'll tell you what the phrases are sometime this week