Repost - I Used To Love Him

I wrote this post last year, and I had forgotten all about it until Lauryn Hill's "I Used To Love Him" came on my iPod when I was in the car. That song still taps into something deep in me, and it still describes exactly how I feel. Amazing. Since I wrote this post, I still love hard...but I've learned to not retreat when love knocks me down - I get up, dust myself off, put a smile on my face, and keep on giving & embracing love. Keeping my heart open despite the hurt I faced last year has been a challenge, but I'm happy that I've made progress. Anyway...here's my post from last year - enjoy... [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wd3n4TjCaJY]

...but now I don't...

I was driving him from work today...my iPod was on shuffle...and that song came on. I hadn't heard it in forever...I had to listen to it twice.

This song is ME.

Lyrics:

As I look at what I've done The type of life that I've lived How many things I pray the father will forgive One situation involved a young man He was the ocean and I was the sand He stole my heart like a thief in the night Dulled my senses blurred my sight

I used to love him but now I don't I used to love him but now I don't

I chose a road of passion and pain Sacrificed too much and waited in vain Gave up my power ceased being queen Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

Torn and confused wasted and used Reached the crossroad which path would I choose Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated For something to happen that just wasn't fated Thought what I wanted was something I needed When momma said no I just should have heeded Misled I bled till the poison was gone And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him but now I don't I used to love him but now I don't

Father you saved me and showed me that life Was much more than being some foolish man's wife Showed me that love was respect and devotion Greater than planets deeper than oceans My soul was weary but now it's replenished Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold But my heart is gold I took back my soul And totally let my creator control The life which was his to begin with

I used to love him but now I don't

So many parts of this song speak to me...and about my love life up to this point. Especially Mary's verse, where she sings about following your passion because you're addicted to the love...sacrificing your crown for some man...knowing it could be so good, wishing/hoping/praying for it be as good as you know it could be...but its not.

Yeah, that's been me.

I have a really bad habit of loving hard. I go all in when I feel it, I just dive head-first into the pool of feelings...and sometimes I go in so deep & so fast that I can't make it out. And then once I do make it out, I refuse to test the waters again. I travel on a pendulum, and I swing from one extreme to the next, and then back again...

I'm tired of that.

Maybe I can wise up & figure this love/relationship thing out.