Random Relationship Thoughts

My male friends are ruining me & killing my faith in relationships. Almost every guy that I'm close friends with, is a fucked up boyfriend or husband. A couple of my male friends are leading double lives, and their gfs/wives have NO CLUE about all the dirt they do when they are alone or with their boys.

Their behavior leaves me worried that I will fall in love with a guy who is leading a double life. I take that back, I worry that I will fall in love AGAIN with a guy who is leading a double life. The ex from college, HW, was doing the double life thing until it caught up with him. I do not want to go through that again. It was painful and difficult the first time and it took years for me to take guys seriously again.

I hate to say it, but I think I'm jaded. As much as I lament the lack of love in my life and my desire to be in a relationship, I have too many worries and fears for it to happen. What if he cheats on me? What if he's secretly gay or gay curious? What if he's just using me? I can go on and on....my fears about relationships hold me back and keep me from having a relationship.

I long to find a guy who loves me for me and cares for me, but at the same time I'm not willing to put myself out there, not for real. Dates are a joke to me. I dont even take them seriously. Maybe I'm just tired of FL, or FL dudes, or maybe I'm having a quarter-life crisis, I dont know. I just know that my fear of ending up the lonely cat lady is looking like it could be more of a possibility if I dont get my stuff together. But at the same time, I won't settle. I can't settle.

Its just that my faith in relationships is just so shot. Folks that I thought had the realest marriage ever are separated. Dudes cheating behind their girls back for years, but still claiming he loves her. A big part of me feels like "whats the point?" I'd just rather be alone than deal with the stress & heartache...and that's where I am now. Maybe it is better to have loved & lost...