Why is it that I can be strong in my head and weak in my heart, and then other times the opposite? Why can't I be strong in my head and my heart at the same time? I'm a wuss too much sometimes, I shrink when I should stand strong or even rise to the occasion. I don't have a reason for that yet.
I still let things bother me....to the point where it wakes me up at 3AM and I can't go back to sleep right away. And I haven't learned how to get out of my head yet (gotta get back to that meditation) and just let things go. I'm still obsessing over things, to the point where its keeping me from sleep.
Thinking about what I should say, what I should have done, what I'll do or say the next time the opportunity comes up....Not that it'll do me any good, cause the next time it comes up I'll be a wuss again.
After 25 years I'm still the sensitive little girl I used to be that would cry at the drop of a hat, the girl that couldn't bear to hear anything negative about herself. I thought I had gotten over all that, but some of it is still there. It'll probably be there forever.
Sometimes I wish I could either be a stronger person, a bigger asshole, or both. This stuck in the middle thing isn't working, I gotta be one or the other. Or maybe being a bigger asshole means that I can take what folks throw at me and thus I'm a stronger person. Or maybe I'm a stronger person cause I know I gotta be ready cause I'm an asshole. Either way, my current state isn't working for me.
Back to the meditation book, I gotta get out of my head.