Earlier today, I was thinking about blogging instead of working (cause I hate what I'm working on but that's a post for another day) and I had this post all worked out in my head. And I forgot to write it down...so this might be a very stream of consciousness post.
I had my first boyfriend at 14. I had the first boyfriend my parents knew about when I was 16/17. I dated all through college, grad school and my adult life. I'm 31 now, so I've spent 17 years of my life in or in pursuit of a romantic relationship. For some of those years I was dating casually - I was known to have a 3 month rule where I didn't date a guy longer than 3 months. There were a few guys that I felt very strongly for, and 1 in particular that I thought was The One. The one constant through all 17 years of my dating life is my mindset. See, I thought that I had to prove to a guy a lot of things - first why I was so awesome that he should date me, then how I'm even more awesome & he should make me his girlfriend, and then finally, that I was so amazingly awesome that he had to marry me. I thought it was up to me to show & prove this, that a guy wouldn't just think that I was awesome unless I went above & beyond to show it to him.
So I've gone through most of my dating situations and relationships with this mentality. And with every breakup, I felt like it was because there was something about me that wasn't awesome. Either I'm too fat (let's not forget the infamous "you're too fat to date" comment made last year) or I wasn't beautiful enough or smart enough or I didn't compromise enough or whatever. I worried that I would never measure up and that I'd be #foreveralone, destined to be an old maid.
It was just a few months after my breakup with the Vegas dude when WHM came into my life. I really didn't take him or his flirting seriously, but he intrigued me. We talked more and more, I enjoyed the conversations, but I thought he was a creep & really didn't take him seriously. It wasn't until we met face to face at the DMV Cookout that I realized that all that conversation meant something to him. It meant a lot actually, and through that conversation he got to know me. He knew we were meant to be, but I took some convincing. A lot of convincing actually. At first I didn't know why I put him through so many hoops - here was a man who said he cared for me, who wanted to make me happy & love me...and I just wanted to go running for the hills. It took me a while to understand that I was scared off because for the first time in my dating life, there was a man who already knew how awesome I was. I didn't have to do anything special to convince him or prove to him my awesomeness; just being Jubi and letting him see the real me showed him how awesome I was. I was thrown off by this. I had no idea how to respond or what to do. I asked him for some time, and he reluctantly consented. But through it, he continued to show me just how special he thought I was. After a bit of time, I realized that he was exactly what I was looking for, and I was running from the very thing I claimed I wanted.
If I've ever been thankful for anything, I'm thankful that WMH came into my life and that my good friend FS told me not to fuck up a great thing. Everything I've ever said I wanted in a relationship, in a partner, from love in general, is what I have with him. I can truly just be me, in a way I've never been able to be in previous relationships. I know that he loves all of me - not just my body, but also my silliness and my tendency to nerd out when I start talking about science, or the way I laugh at corny jokes. In fact, he laughs at my corny jokes & we laugh at the same corny jokes in movies. We can lay up on the couch together & watch football, or have a lazy Saturday laying in bed watching HGTV and talking about our future. He's so open and honest with me, and so loving with me - he never hesitates to tell me how much he loves me or how happy he is. In fact, he says that I'm his dream girl, the woman he always wanted and never thought he would have. He continues to be amazed that other men didn't love me the way he does.
Last Saturday, he was cooking me a 3 course dinner (seriously he's going to be the chef in our house cause his food is amazing) and I was flipping between The Five Heartbeats and Dreamgirls. I sang every damn song between the two movies, off-key for about half the songs, and he sang and danced along with me. I felt free enough to just be silly with him while he made me a delicious dinner and we loved every minute of it. I've never had that freedom in a relationship...until this one. He makes so happy, he gives me such joy and I feel so secure in this relationship. The best part is knowing we both want to spend the rest of our lives together, and we both feel so lucky to have found each other.
All thanks to a tweet :-)
I never thought it would happen...but I found the love of my life...and on Twitter of all places.