It's Not You, It's Me

Shameless plug - I'm doing the Green Bay Half-marathon as part of Team In Training, to benefit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I'd love your support via a tax-deductible donation. There's a widget at the bottom of the page, or you can follow this link . No donation is too small. Thanks for your help! :-) Have you ever said "it's not me, it's you" to someone? Did you actually mean it? Or was it just an excuse?

I have a confession - I have a really hard time breaking up with a guy. I'm absolutely horrible at it. Mostly because I always feel like a jerk, and a bad guy, even when I'm not.

It's really easy to quit someone when they've treated you badly - lied to you, cheated on you, etc. But when there's nothing really "wrong" but it's still not right...that's a harder situation. Sometimes the chemistry isn't right. Sometimes you just meet someone who is a better fit for you. And then you have to have that uncomfortable conversation.

I'm terrible at this. Especially with the really nice guys, the guys that didn't do anything wrong. These are normally the men that have been deemed the nice guys, or the good guys. You know, the type that is chivalrous, doesn't try to make a move when you watch a movie while cuddling on the couch, who is sweet & respectful. These are the hardest guys to break up with because of the good guy factor. A lot of asshole dudes used to be good guys, who felt that they couldn't "win" until they because an asshole. There's a misguided assumption that all women like assholes, and some guys feel that they have to become one in order to get the woman they want.

Granted, there are some women who can't appreciate a nice guy. I am not one of them. I love a nice guy...but there has to be other things there too. We still need chemistry, mutual interests, compatibility, etc. If one or more of those things are missing, then I wont be happy, no matter how nice the guy is.

And that's where the breakup comes in.

When a guy hasn't done anything "wrong" it's so hard for me to say that I'm no longer interested. Or that I'm interested in someone else, or pursuing a relationship with another man. I always feel like the bad guy, like I'm doing something wrong. This fear I have of looking like a jerk during a breakup leads me to drag my feet with it. I'm super apologetic & I tend to talk my way around it, instead of being direct.

The same goes for telling guys that I know are interested in me, that I've decided to be in a relationship. Mostly because every time I've done it, I've gotten a strong response from the guy. And that just makes me feel even worse. :-(

Recently I've had to give a few of these talks...and one went absolutely horribly. It went "you suck, I don't wanna be friends & have a nice life" horribly...and I felt like such a jerk afterwards. Even though I didn't do anything wrong, I still felt bad because someone else felt bad. My happiness is causing someone else to be sad...which is hard for me.

Maybe I shouldn't care so much. But I do. It's the Cancer in me - we're empathetic & compassionate. And I never want to hurt someone, even unintentionally. just happens.