Months later... I opened my door & was immediately assaulted by those eyes. No matter how hard I tried, those eyes would forever be my Kryptonite, the thing that kept me from sending him to the Island of Lost Men permanently. No matter how many times he disappeared, "forgot" to call me back, canceled at the last minute - one look in those eyes & I was right back at square one all over again. The good times spent cuddling on the couch, enjoying a good meal, spending time together always outweighed those nights that I wanted to cry from helplessness & hurt.
Being with him gave me joy & sent me into peril all at the same time. I felt like I was shipwrecked, drifting alone in this ocean of feelings. As I continued to fall deeper, he seemed to be oblivious to my desires to be his one & only. Giving him time & space didn't work. Neither did clearly stating what was obvious to me - we were meant to be & I wanted his affection. And finally, in a moment of desperation, out of a need for self-preservation - I cut the cord. No longer could I withstand being the low man on the totem pole, when I wanted to be #1.
I wallowed a bit; while I knew I made the right decision, it's never easy to say good-bye to someone you care for. Eventually my tears dried, and I ventured out again socially. Before I knew it, my dance card was full with possible suitors. Just when I thought that door was closed, he opened it up once again. I was powerless to turn him away - I still wanted his love & attention. Against my best interests, I opened my life & heart to DB once again. I knew that he was unwilling to devote the time & attention I craved from him; dating others casually gave the attention I needed, though it had a hollowness to it.
Christmas came, and with it came two gifts - a new job, and a present from DB. I unwrapped my gift to discover the perfume I had been wanting for weeks - somehow he had known exactly what I wanted. He always knew how to read me...yet couldn't see the thing I wanted most.
To be continued...