Battle Scars

Last time, I thought I fucked it up. I thought it was all my fault. This time, I know better. See last time,  I focused on what I did wrong. I didn't give him enough space, I put too much pressure on him, I expected too much too soon, I was unfair - all thoughts that ran through my head. I agonized & obsessed, constantly replaying the good times & looking for ways I could have done things differently. The best way to describe how I felt about the entire situation is unfinished. It felt incomplete. Unsettled. Like the other shoe still needed to drop. There was a void in my life & in my heart.

I took all those thoughts about what I did wrong into the next time. I wanted to be sure that I didn't screw it up again.

I tried to keep it light.

I tried to give him space.

I prefaced practically every statement with "no pressure".

I tried to stay in the moment, with no expectations or thoughts of the future.

Yeah...that shit didn't work. I'm a Cancer. I got sucked into the talk of the future, the declarations of feelings, the connection, the vibe. It let it wash all over me like the tide coming in washes over the shore. I believed in my heart every word he said. I felt the connection in every hug & kiss.

I just knew I would get my happy ending, that things would all work out this time. Instead it crashed & burned like the Hindenburg.

Once I put out the fire & checked for survivors (none btw), there were no thoughts about what I did wrong. No obsessing about how I could have changed the outcome if I'd not said this, or not done that.

Last time it felt unfinished.

This time? I feel none of that. I got what I needed last time - a definitive answer on whether this is where I should be, who I should be with. He & the Universe showed me that I was wrong. I feel a level of peace that I didn't have last time - a security in knowing that I truly tried my damnest to make it work, and that I didn't fuck it up.